Pain and Childhood Home

I went to my childhood home last week.
It was a weird feeling…

I smiled remembering all the good memories I had with my sisters here.
But…

What shocked me was that I felt a small oncoming headache as I stared at the house.

Years ago I would have just summed it up to a lack of water. But I paused to access myself.

Your body has its’ complex ways of reminding you not to go back to harm or discomfort. Your body is trying to have a conversation with you.

I decided to listen.

I realized my hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, my stomach was turning, and I was holding my breath.

Wow.
I hadn’t even noticed.
Why was I feeling this way?

The memories of yelling and fear and control rushed in my mind.

I shut them down. Not tonight.

And reminded myself,
“You no longer live here.”
“You are safe, you are loved.”

As a young girl I had a desire to be a mom, I wanted to prove to myself that I could break the cycle.

“And you did it” I thought to myself as I looked back at my sleeping daughters lovingly.

I smiled as I drove away
with no headache,
with no queasiness,
And hands gently placed.

My body at peace.

If you can relate, this spot is for you.

You’re Not Taking Too Long to Heal

Give yourself grace.
Because the truth is, there will be tears.
 
It may take a toll on you physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And you will feel more tired than usual.
 
But the good news is healing isn’t a relay!
 
So when the hard times come when you feel completely overwhelmed by the changes and emotions and breakthroughs,
take your time to process.
 
Don’t rush it.
 
If you rush through the hard parts or push back your emotions, you slow your growth.
 
You’re not going to feel happy go lucky right off the bat. It’s most likely taken you years to get here, unlearning hardwired habits and getting to the root of your pain isn’t going to take a day…
 
It’s okay to walk with your head down and take your time because It most likely will take years.

Healing isn’t a race,
It’s a personal journey.

Keep going!👏👏

Healing from Family Relationships

The fact that certain behaviors and lifestyles are normalized in your family does not mean they are normal.
I recently had a conversation with a childhood friend. At one point I explained that I no longer have contact with certain family members.
I made this choice because I fiercely protect my children from abusive lifestyles.
“… It took you that long to realize?😅” He jested.
He was referring to the fact that it took me past my childhood to realize it was abuse.
As a child, I didn’t know.
As a teenager, I knew, but I didn’t know.
After leaving the home, the web of lies and manipulation started to unravel…
But it was not instant.
Wounded people stay wounded because you change the script of reality in your head to survive.
You escape to this false reality during the hardest of times.
You turn off you emotions.
You distract yourself with play, friends, drama, drugs, alcohol, food, schoolwork, self harm… Anything else.
You take on the title of Peacekeeper, Joker, Caretaker, Fighter, or Rebel to gift yourself purpose in the dysfunction.
You excuse the behavior because you understand the reasons for the reactive, explosive, or dangerous behavior.
And you may even fulfill the negative prophecies that were spoken over you most of your childhood. This plays into the false reality that has been painted for your life.
But guess what, it’s a lie.
It’s a path to survive in the moment.
You did what you knew at the time.
And now you know better.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LIFE.
BLISSFUL, LOVE-FILLED, FULL LIFE.
You’re past does not define you.
It’s time to live a life of truth.
You’re truth.

I Don’t Want to Be an Exhausted Parent

Parents, it’s time to get off the hamster wheel.
Because it’s not that you’re not doing enough. In fact you may even be doing too much. It’s just that you may not be doing enough of what’s best for your family, which is working on yourself.
I know this is hard to hear because if this is you, you are tired, if not fully exhausted with the never ending cycle
But you’re so busy trying to do the best and spend the best for your child that you forget to BE the best for your child.
Your child needs you, the best you.
And when you’re not…
They sense your secrets.
Your kids see your burn out.
They feel your unresolved triggers.
They see your lack of care for yourself.
They know when your marriage is unhappy.
And your lack of confidence in yourself becomes their unstable home.
They may not understand the complexities yet,
but they know.
And the undeniable truth is people who work on themselves and live peace filled lives have more energy.
When you live in wholehearted peace filled confidence it impacts your kids lives in more ways than you can count.
So take the time to work on yourself.
Even if it means your child skips soccer this season.
Start with what works for you!
Even if it’s 10 minutes. I’m serious, set a timer & go.
Watch free videos, research, listen or read a book.
Like podcast while driving to the grocery store.
Go to places and be around people who teach.
Set small goals and celebrate when you win.
Swap your french fries for apple slices.
Time is an easy red line to pay when you know giving your child the best is at stake.

Stop Shame from Reoccuring Triggers You’ve Already Overcome

Healing is not perfection.
It’s the ability to understand yourself and peacefully live a confident life you are proud of even when things fall apart, or when you are reminded of your past wounds and triggers.
Many years ago I was an insomniac.
It’s how I functioned from middle school all the way into my early twenties.
When young I hated it. I would stare into the dark, tossing and turning… waiting for sleep to come. I would read until dawn to sooth my restless spirit. Eventually I learned the screams of rock music was one of the few things that could calm my mind.
By adulthood, I embraced it as part of who I was. I would spend nights out with friends, then would come home to read or paint or run or binge shows.
When life settled down and I decided I wanted to sleep instead of avoid it, night terrors haunted me.
I would wake up screaming or shaking with fear.
I tried So many things…
Even sleeping pills didn’t help.
This went on for years.
But then I did Inner child healing, and after one round, it all stopped.
It was the first time I experienced peace at night.
No repeated wake-ups, no staring into the night, no night terrors.
It was amazing. Miraculous. Life changing.
Fast forward to this year.
We moved to a new state.
The shift activated something inside me.
And for the first entire month, I could barely sleep to the point it was making my days difficult.
And I was annoyed at my body because I thought I had overcome this! What was happening to me?
Yet I didn’t address it because I had more pressing issues to get situated during the day.
My husband sat me down for an intervention.
He prayed over me and back to the basics of Inner Chold Helaing I went.
In less than a week I was sleeping peacefully again.
And this is how it goes.
Healing is constantly showing up with grace,
not expectations of perfection.
So keep going even when you feel like your reverting, don’t play the loosing victim. Be the victor who keeps fighting and refuses to accept defeat. Go back to your basics, reset, and continue.
Love,
A very well rested bed-headed woman💙
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