How to Make Peace with Your Anger

During one of my therapy sessions a decade ago, I was venting to my therapist about my childhood. I spilled my guts out as fast as my tongue would let me. I was terrified to stop talking because if I did she might have time to judge me or my family. 
 
Finally by the end of the session she said,
“I think you are holding on to a lot of anger towards your mom.” 
 
I was silent.
 
As I drove home I was fuming. I rolled down the windows and belted out the lyrics to my music as the wind whipped my hair around violently. I laughed. I am one of the happiest people I know. This is ridiculous.
 
But what kind of monster feels that way about their own family? Despite the pain I endured I love my parents deeply. 
 
Plus I had just become a born again Christian, 
I wanted more than anything to finally be ‘good’. And this emotion whatever it was didn’t feel good.
 
It felt dangerous.
 
I never went back to her.

She was right. I was angry. In fact, I was more than angry I felt rage.

 

The problem was I was never given the most crucial knowledge one needs about anger. And without this knowledge, the truth is that rage can be dangerous.

 

So if you are anything like I was, and you have anger, yet have a strong moral compass and you want to heal without causing harm to others, you are in the right place my friend.

Anger is a healthy, God given emotion.

Emotions are your bodies way of communicating with you. Anger communicates with you that something isn’t right. This is a good thing. Knowing this in itself gives the control back to you.

Anger is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.

The energy of your anger is absorbed by the object or entity you choose to release your anger on.

The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed – only converted from one form of energy to another. For example, when you roll a toy car down a ramp and it hits a wall, the energy is transferred from kinetic energy to potential energy. Read more about this law in this article by National Geographic.

 

What this means for you is that the concern of morality is real. When you unleash this energy onto a person or in a devious way, yes “bad” will occur. However, if you choose to unleash your anger in a healthy way where your energy is being consumed by a soulless entity, you absolve yourself from the moral corruptness of inflicting pain on others.

Anger and love can coexist.

You can love a person while at the same time honoring your experience and suffering. This is a concept I walk many of my High Achievers through. At the end of the day humans make mistakes and their actions can hurt others. It’s okay to take your loved one off their pedestal or box of protection you have created in your head for them.

 

If you implement the knowledge that you learned above, you know that there is no need to protect them because you won’t choose to unleash your anger on them even if the anger is related to incidents about them. And with the knowledge that anger does erase love, you can erase the pedestal as well. They don’t need to be perfect for you to love them.

The Fastest Way to Overcome Anger is to Honor It

No matter how long you try to push it down, numb it, or unleash it on others pain always has a way of coming out. I’ve helped clients in their 60s learn how to process anger from their elementary years for the first time in their lives.

 

The first step to honoring is understanding it, listen to it. Why are you angry?

 

The next step is to let it be. Don’t judge it. Don’t mock it.  Don’t compare it. Doing these things will cause you to stop the process of honoring and healing from your experience.

 

Then lastly, release it through your body.

Imposter Syndrome as a Coach

This week a man said the exact words to me that I’ve been terrified of for years. Since the day I even considered becoming a life coach, I have been scared to be seen as a fraud, or as a guru with no direction.

 

I couldn’t bare the thought of this for so long that I didn’t even claim the title “Life Coach” for my first year of life coaching. Who am I to claim such a title?

“They have the coolest professions!” My new found friend introduced me and waited for me to continue my own introduction to the older man sitting on the modern looking, elegant stool.

 

“I’m a professional life coach.” I said with a smile. I was pleased as a few people at the bar gushed over how the little town was in dire need of a life coach. I was impressed that everyone seemed so kind and generous with their compliments of those around them, even though most of us had only met less than an hour earlier.

 

I was feeling quite proud of myself as the older man turned to me. The rest of the group became occupied as he spoke to me.

 

He jabbered about a reality TV show with a life coach. I smiled politely, already feeling uneasy in my stomach with the judgemental tone in his voice. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I had no idea what show he was talking about.

 

“She’s nothing but a con artist!” He insisted  referring to the life coach he had seen on TV.

 

“Oh is that so?” I interacted with raised brows.

 

Then he looked me deep in the eyes and tilted his glass in my direction.

 

“So that makes you nothing but a con artist.” He stated sharply.

 

Oh no! My worst nightmare.  The directness of his comment and long intense stare made me step uneasily with surprise. I’ve been dreading this day for years. I waited for the terror of his words to hit me.

But to my own surprise I found myself smiling and laughing.

 

“No, it’s not like that.” I said unshakably.

And that was that.

Before I became a life coach I promised I would never base my practice on sand, I would build a solid foundation for the people I serve, and anything less was unacceptable.

 

I’ve tested every strategy that I put out. My success rate is over 90% when most gurus only hold a 10% impact rate. If I didn’t keep track of my numbers, I probably would have felt much less confident with this encounter.

 

But despite my numbers what it boils down to is knowing my authority as a coach. Are there things that I’m not good at? Absolutely! You all should see my house on a Tuesday afternoon. House cleaning is not my forte. That’s why one of my first goals when I was making money as a coach was to hire a house cleaner which I did.

 

However, when it comes to coaching I am fire!

 

I get people the results they come for.

 

 

This confidence does not come from perfection. I have made a million mistakes along the way in my business. But instead of holding on to shame or letting those mistakes define me, I see them as opportunities to learn and grow from.

 

You are not your mistakes. You are you. And even if your entire coaching business went up in flames, you would still be you.

 

The last part of this I would add to any coach or business owner reading this terrified of day some ninny comes to call you a fraud is this. Read it as loudly in your head as possible.

 

Do not take advice or critique from anyone who is not in the ring with you. If the person saying the words has never put themselves out there, fought the fight of vulnerability, and become a successful coach like you, don’t let their words touch you.

 

If the critic has cheap seats to watch you, don’t let their words touch you.

 

If they have no idea the amount of work you have put into this; if they have no idea about all the things you have sacrificed and more their words do not deserve an extra ounce of your energy.

Dealing with Estrangement and Heartbreak

She left and never came back.

Without a word.

 

I looked up to her like a mother. Loosing her while she was alive was something I never thought I would experience. You never think of such things when you are a kid.

I remember her sweet, gentle voice telling me stories late at night.

 

She was the one who did my hair before school concerts. She was the one who cut my hair and we were both frustrated when I didn’t like it.

 

She was the one who told me I had perfect eyebrows when I was self conscious about my entire body.

 

Her long black hair was always perfect. And her face was angelically smooth. I wanted tan skin and dark hair like hers most of my childhood.

 

When the world felt awful, she found a way to do something hilarious to help us laugh to tears. She was the most beautiful person inside and out. I never heard her complain once. She worked harder than anyone in my family.

 

I would stay up for her to get home from work and we’d split a sandwich or the cookies she brought home as she told me about her day.

 

I imagined I would go to her house as an adult and she would babysit my kids. I imagined we would finally be happy when we all left my parents house.

Grief over somone who not died is a common symptom I help many of my clients walk through: family estrangement, heartbreak, leaving toxic relationships, leaving close coworkers, unexpected loss of friendship and more.

 

All of these can be achingly painful. Yet far too often you are told to “Get over it,” and to “be better off without them.”

 

But if you are anything like me, you love hard.  You show up fully with the people you show up with. It’s not that simple.

 

You have to grieve.

 

Grief is our bodies natural response to loosing something or someone. Grief can last for a day or it can last for months or years. Let it come.

 

Feel the sadness.

Release the it by sitting in it.

Cry. Feel. Weep.

 

The sooner you do, the sooner it passes.

 

The longer you hold on to the loss without feeling the weight of it’s loss, the longer you hold yourself back.

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